for him - 1/11/24

 [for him]

The fact that prayers do get answered will always remain touched, engrained in my mind. 

Who knew my life would lead up to this moment. To you. To your acceptance of me, your eyes, your skin, your touch, your tolerance, your smile, your honesty, your love. You as a whole, and my halves slowly melting into you.

I could start with when you first showed up to the base, when I was in Spain thinking about you; talking to you every single night. I could start with when your dad announced that you, his son, finally arrived to America and an eruption of applause sounded in the dining room.

The beginning

I saw you every now and then playing ping-pong with [blank], but I didn't know anything about you. I just knew that you looked cool (haha) and even though you weren't around as much, you didn't seem like the type to want to be by himself 24/7. 

Then I learned your name, watched your eyes--and the figuring out began. I remember one of the first nights we talked in the harvest room, when I was making food in the microwave and you were in absolute disbelief about it, and I had no idea what kind of humor you had but I was determined to figure it out. Of course, we clashed and took each other too seriously, which was the chaos before the storm. Being pulled towards you and then ripped away so fast was like a whiplash for my brain, and I was pretty much paralyzed in confusion and ready to accept the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me (which obviously wasn't true). So there I was--interacting with you and learning your personality, then unlearning it and relearning it as conflict arose. The rock music, the movie theater, and driving places; still knowing each other as friends but separated because of our disagreeing brains. It's funny, because at one point [blank] said that you liked me, but of course it was so early on that I didn't believe it. I don't know if it was intuition or what, but she was the first one to mention anything like that--and somehow, as time went on, she got it right.

I remember when [blank] was dying to talk to you (as usual) and she mentioned how amazing you were. And I knew, I just knew from listening to your conversation that you saw the world as a whole and you were not shut-in to one boring opinion and one boring view; you saw people as not only people but people with different brains and philosophies as well. And, of course, I became even more intrigued. The intricate way your brain thinks, the way it goes about and doesn't match everyone else's, it likes to feel through nature and words and appreciate life and absolute beauty. It likes to live now, live for the now and only. Live for the present, and enjoy the present, and that's what makes it so much more beautiful. I hope you know that you really have a beautiful mind, [blank], because I can never find another one that matches it. It's rare for people to just simply enjoy-- to sit and enjoy beauty.

The confusion

Then I left, and I don't know what happened, but my unplanned crying really threw me for a loop, and I could feel your eyes watching me. Just a silent watch from far away, and then the trip to the airport, and then The Cranberries in the airplane was enough to leave me wondering. My heart was growing, and as I sat there, moving miles and miles away from you, it grew still, but I didn't let it take over my mind yet. There was still a long ways to go. 

Spain

Spain was like a weird dream that I don't remember most of, but I do remember that I was talking to you every single freaking day. Sharing little parts of my everyday life with you was so important to me--not even in a romantic way, but just in a way that I get to share nonsensical things like that with someone who cares--meant the world to me. The fact that you were always there for me and always tuned in to what I had to say made me so happy, and it was a really crucial way for me to connect with you. Of course, interacting with you everyday for all these months made me realize that whatever I had been feeling was not just for a friendship but was for something more (realizing these feelings are usually a serious thing for me), and that I couldn't change it. I began to have a desire for more of your words, more of you. So that night when I was out on the beach for evangelism, I prayed about you. It was so perfect and so peaceful--the whole black ocean was before me, the whole sky, and beyond that was the

United States, and beyond that was you. I really felt a deep satisfaction in my heart when I prayed about it ([blank] and the others were wandering somewhere else along the beach at that time), when I asked God for us to happen. When I asked God for you.

The Little Prince

The night you told me to read The Little Prince I was ecstatic. I've always had that book on my to-read list but I never got to it, and I'm glad I got to it at the time that I did or I'd never have this special memory connected with you. I read it on an illegal book website because I didn't know French and still don't (of course). I really honestly and truthfully did not know how much emotions that book would shock me with in the next two hours; I was just determined to read it all in one night so we could talk about it the next day. The little parts that just felt like childhood and the sentimental feeling of the book overwhelmed me with awe and the way I could just feel your heart through it. Like wow, this is [blank], this is what he lives by and connects with, and it's so delicate and beautiful. Such a raw and innocent way to live--again--to simply enjoy. I hold that book close to my heart, [blank], and every word you said to think about regarding the fox I held even closer. When I got to the part about the fox and the taming, I cried (I think I told you I cried more than once reading it, but this section especially). I can remember how pulled I felt--from the world, everything. So I prayed again that night, but this time for permission to fall for you without getting hurt--permission to let my feelings flow, and not use a wall like I always do. And God said yes and now here I am, letting myself love you. Sharing that book with me completely opened my eyes to how beautiful you are. You moved me, you moved me, you moved me.

Winter Break

I could explain winter break but I feel like you know most of it (because you were there, duh). Missing you while you were gone shouldn't have been a surprise--especially since I let my walls down for you--but it still shocked me because I haven't had to miss anyone in a while, not even from my life at home. I wanted more from the talk we had in the harvest classroom, and even though we got to explain how we felt it didn't feel right, not until the night when you told me you liked me and then everything fell into place. I'm so glad you still see me [blank], and I hope you'll still be able to see me as the years go by, like you did that one night with my poetry. Never lose grip of me, because I'll never lose sight of you. Over and over and over again, I'll fall for you [blank]... I will fall in love with you with every chance I'm given. You make me feel so safe, so secure, so loved. The depth of your love is amazing, and how you understand how serious it is. Those nights in the house with the stressed-out dogs, just the vastness, the deepness of it all was so sincere and incredible. You draw me like a magnet, [blank]. Like how the moon pulls the ocean up towards it during high tide, and the particles of water can't help but move upwards as the moon rises over it. You pull me in, [blank], you pull me into your waters, and I melt. I don't know how I'm ever going to pull myself back together again, getting so lost in you, loving you and lending you all my pieces.

The future

Traveling, a family, and whatever else comes along with it. I'm so blessed to even fathom living out my life with you. You were a kid in [blank], watching The Amazing Spiderman and Lego Ninjago, and I was a kid in New York, doing the same. And somehow we've now made it all this way, to here, to now, intertwined--and I will always marvel at the beauty of that. I really want to be the best for you, [blank], and I know you said I'm already perfect, but I want to be the utmost I can be for you. Day by day I look at you--how you walk, how you talk--and I'm in awe. Us living out our future, one day at a time, is what I want. And I'm all yours, [blank], all yours. For now and for as long as you'll let me. [I love you].

Love Amanda