a stupid little game

 Sun. 4/27/2025

i swallow myself whole, spit myself back up again.

my mind can't feel the way it wants to.

little burning insects inside my brain.

See no evil, hear no evil.

Fri. 5/9/2025

the funny thing is, God will always give you the desires of your heart, whether they are good for you or not. as long as you follow His will.

and I desired him.

oh, how i desired him.

watching movies late at night, touching hands, the fox.

his pictures, my crying.

why did i cry so badly that day in the car, before i even had him?

over a photo of him traveling.

next to [blank], no one knew what i was crying over.

i'm moving forward now. soon i'm going to wean off my medicine.

and then i'll be able to write beautiful words again.

i think my body is slowly becoming immune to it anyway, because i'm starting to feel again.

we were all made for one thing. and i was made to reject flesh and blood, the normal way to live. no matter how hard i try, i can't conform to work, home, sleep, repeat. i need to lose all of my belongings and feel the wind in my face. i need to be fucked violently by the wind.

i need to find me again, the girl who talked and laughed and traveled and didn't think so much, but only about the important things. like nature, and art, and humans.

how could this life be mine? 

don't worry. i'm going to go back to living it. 

i'm going to publish it, and it's going to be beautiful. and everyone will see.

my stomach feels sick.

i keep hearing all i need by radiohead in my head.

desire machine

we cannot have our experiences without bursting beyond, past the boundaries.

desire, look me in the eyes and take me.

rape me of this experience and make me yours.

this is life. this is real.

hello, i'm back in my body again

I just read my lexapro diaries and oh my god, i forgot how scary it began.

walking outside felt like a nightmare, it's crazy how it works.

you go to the grocery store and step in and walk really fast, because everything and everyone is staring at you. everyone is judging you and looking at your hair and clothes and definitely, absolutely your shoes.

head starts spinning and before you realize it you're doing laps around the store, and you're so tired you could lay right there on the floor. but you don't, obviously, but it's so so so tempting.

you start sweating now as you finally finish shopping.

people pop out from different aisles like a horror game as you try to navigate your way through to the finish. vision terribly narrow, can't look back too fast or it gets too dizzy.

cash register or self checkout?

doesn't matter, as long as the guy at the register isn't hot and won't make me feel like i'm actually going to fall on the floor if he smiles at me. 

i was always tempted to buy a barbie. a bratz doll, actually.

i would go down the doll aisle in the toy section every single time and walk slowly past it, looking but pretending I wasn't looking. walking in the middle of the aisle so it looks like I'm just passing by.

I face a little closer, then some random guy comes to walk down the aisle, and I instantly stiffen up and swerve away again. It's like a stupid game.

I can't recount all the things i did while i was on lexapro. i can tell you the things i didn't do, like cry and write and draw and go outside.

now that i'm coming off, i'm actually writing and it's so weird to have not done that for a few months. it's even weirder to be bothered by something small someone says at work, and hold back tears in the employee bathroom. it's way way weirder to start feeling anger again and having to suppress it. having to wait until i'm in my car or back in my house so i can punch things, throw things into the wall at full speed and break things and scream. grind my knuckles against the wall, beat them against the wall until the skin peels and turns red from the inside. wail into my pillow for someone to comfort me, someone who won't scold me.

It's weird, because i can still stop feeling things when i need to, when i'm in dire or traumatizing situations.

like two nights ago, when i was pulled over by the police, stepping out into the dark on the humid summer highway. a dozen cop cars and a dozen guns, all pointed at my head. guns with eyes, muffled shouts, then being shoved against the police car door. I'm not going to write too much about what happened, it all feels like a really bad dream. I'm just glad that when I was in the cop car, i didn't cry.

I relaxed my arms that were cuffed, rested my head against my shoulder, and breathed. 

the only thing i could think about was how i left my car on, and the gas in said car is currently burning while they ripped everything apart in there. 

I waited for them to realize that I wasn't doing anything wrong.

and they did. they realized. 

i feel like there's always something new, so at this point, maybe that's why I'm not fazed. God loves to give me these challenges because he knows I'll need the strength, the experience. it still doesn't explain why little things still bother me. maybe i'm still just a little girl.

But yes, it feels good to be writing again. about me, about my life. I hate lexapro.