the art of peach skies and sparkling water
Sun. 9/28/2025
day before i leave for italy.
i don't know why, but all of a sudden now i'm feeling things.
maybe it's because i haven't left the country since then. since 2023, when i was a completely different person. when i wasn't destroyed by drug abuse and mentally and emotionally shattered.
when i could eat and digest properly and drink caffeine and had all the energy in the world. when i could breathe properly at night.
when i was pretty and could exercise.
and what am i now?
broken, battered from all the damage that i did. to myself.
both physical and mental.
i shouldn't have overdosed. i should have let my body heal that one night instead of pushing it to the extreme and damaging it forever. i should have left oregon for a different place, a different volunteer opportunity, instead of staying just for someone who would deeply hurt me.
there's a lot of things i should've done. but it's okay.
i'm here now, and i may be broken, and i may be working 60 hours a week with no caffeine, and i may be in the worst physical and mental state i've ever been in with no help from doctors.
but it's okay, i have help from God, right?
He will keep me going. and going.
and beating
and beating
even if i'm ugly and not what i once was. even if i'm weaker than most people my age, and "just wait till you're older, you're not in any pain right now", and God, I don't want to feel any more pain, and God, I don't want it worse.
september 30th
Italy is so simple. So beautiful.
I really should have chosen the simple life.
Simple coffee, simple bread and toast and cheese. Sharing everything, music blaring outside at night while we dry our clothes on clothespins.
Italians with their strict way of drinking coffee (no sugar, no milk after morning), and their hatred for Starbucks. I want to live it. All of it.
Wed. 10/1/2025
I feel like I belong here.
I was fighting with my mind in the beginning, but now the answer is clear.
I belong here. I belong to missions, to travel.
God made me for this, and He's willing to help me if I answer and push through.
I may not be good at talking, but God will help me. He always does.
And I realized why YWAM has not left me, why it's always been on my mind.
I had a conversation with a girl here that really opened my eyes.
"I did my DTS in Salem, but since then it's been the only thing on my mind. It's all I can think about, and it's like gosh, Amanda, just move on."
"How long ago did you do your DTS?"
"In 2023."
"Maybe there's a purpose."
october 2nd
Lord, give me strength.
the pigeons crow at dawn, they make their noise and bed, they ruffle over the rooftops.
i wake up, open skies, clay buildings
come downstairs, eat simple fruit, simple eggs, simple granola.
drink tea with honey, and worship the Lord my God.
i serve, even when i’m not scheduled to. hold so close to community even when i have nothing to say.
do the dishes, sweep the floor, make the bed just to be in the company of another.
cling to the energy i have left just to attempt to share it with others, craving what i once had.
here, i have more than enough.
a yellow haze, lovely eyes watching
italian wine, drink, drink, drink
let it burn your tongue, all the way down to your stomach
so why italy? he asks me
misunderstood tears, and i feel my stomach twist in a knot
eyes staring over the candlelit dinner.
a crisp open night, let the air hit your face
let the laughs carry you all the way to heaven
Fri. 10/3/2025
there's nothing like looking out your window at night and seeing the world from a different country (duh amanda).
Mon. 10/6/2025
sometimes i really don't feel like i belong.
maybe it's just the culture.
or maybe it's just like nina said, they're a little different here because it's Europe, and I'm black or mixed or something.
i'm just trying.
i'm hanging out late in the hangout area, i'm doing extra work that i'm not scheduled to, i'm trying my hardest to engage in conversation.
but i'm not the amanda i once was i guess, the one that was caffeinated and could hold conversations and talk to anyone out of nowhere and could sing and dance in the streets with all of the energy in the world. and i know that, and i know i'm not like that anymore.
it's just hard to accept, and it's hard to sit in the background knowing that once YWAM felt like the time of my life and I used to get along and be the life of the party.
it's still the time of my life and the best thing i've ever known, i just don't know who i am now. i don't know if i even fit in.
i helped with cleanup but the more i ask to help with things the more obnoxious i feel, and i just get quick glances more than anything.
a girl apologized to me and another one talked to me tonight. she said God makes things happen and I just have to remember God is with me, whether i'm introverted or extroverted. i think she knew what i was thinking even though i didn't tell.
i don't know, i thought i was finally finding my place, but it doesn't feel that way because i'm different. and i guess i need to be better. work harder. i'm not sure.
i'm really struggling though.
with my stomach problems and my personality and not even my looks, but i think other people are depending on my looks.
Tue. 10/7/2025
God gave me a little revelation today.
I am not supposed to be focused on how i'm acting just for people, and i'm not supposed to please people while i'm here.
i'm here for God.
who cares what certain girls or guys think or say or don't say?
i'm here to please God, and that is all that matters.
and honestly, that makes things so much easier, and it makes it more of a joy to communicate with people knowing that it will please God.
working to please someone on earth will only continue to drive me insane.
He brought Galatians 1:10 to my heart.
Thu. 10/9/2025
it really is the people that matter.
the friends, and the food.
the laughs, the things you get to enjoy just from talking to others.
i may not be the best at breaking out of my shell, but i'm trying.
and i think it's working.
God, i love life. I love living it.
I love Italy and its peach skies and its sparkling water.
I never want to leave.
This heart, this love for people and travel. It will always stay.
I love the dark skies, the cool ocean air drifting in from the open windows at night.
Even the mosquitoes and the pimples from the calcium in the water. I love it all.
Please, let me live it more God. Let me live all of it.
Every single experience.
Sat. 10/18/2025
all the girls getting married, all the girls getting engaged.
and here i am, lost at sea.
tugging and ripping at the oars, refusing to fall in love, searching for adventure.
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